The Uncomfortable Truth About “Gentle Parenting” No One Talks About
Please note: I am discussing the following topics as a general reflection. It is not necessarily based on my own experiences in every instance mentioned.
“Gentle parenting” seems to be the buzzword for many of us as new parents. Our generation is trying so hard not to repeat the mistakes of those before us, but sometimes I wonder whether, in that effort, we may be going a little too far in the opposite direction.
Let me begin by saying that I do not claim to have all the answers. I truly do not believe any of us do. Some people may appear to manage situations better than others. Some are naturally more emotionally intelligent, while others may have been raised by parents who modelled that emotional awareness and regulation. Then there are those of us who are trying to hold ourselves together, managing the storm within, while attempting to speak calmly, understand deeply, and nurture our children’s emotions.
Many of us grew up in environments that were far from ideal. Some experienced absent parents, others were raised by single parents who were simply trying to survive. Some of us witnessed or experienced harsh discipline, emotional disconnection, or unhealthy patterns such as name-calling, manipulation, or even physical punishment. These experiences do not simply disappear. Those children grow into adults who want to do better, who actively try to break those cycles, yet still carry the weight of what they knew was not right.
At the same time, we must recognise that we were raised in a different era. I am 34, born in the 90s, what I like to call the “good old days”, even if my children jokingly ask whether dinosaurs were around back then. In those times, certain forms of discipline were more common, even if they were not openly discussed. Abuse was never truly acceptable, but often it was overlooked or brushed aside. Many people have stories, and when you hear them, you begin to realise that what was happening behind closed doors was far more widespread than anyone admitted.
Today, things are different. There are clearer boundaries, both legally and socially. Most parents do not resort to physical discipline, and if they do, it is generally seen as something shameful rather than something to be normalised. This shift is important and necessary. However, my intention here is not to focus on that, but rather on what has come after.
Because of those negative experiences, many of us have become determined to be the complete opposite of what we experienced growing up. Yet trauma has a way of highlighting the negative so strongly that it can overshadow the positives. In doing so, we may unintentionally forget the good our parents did, the values they tried to instil, the guidance they offered, and the love they showed, even if it was expressed differently to how we would express it today.
So where am I going with all of this?
Gentle parenting, when understood and practised correctly, is something truly beautiful. It has the potential to raise a generation that is emotionally aware and resilient. However, my concern is that sometimes it becomes blurred with permissive parenting. In trying to be gentle, we may end up enabling behaviours that could negatively affect our children and their relationships later in life.
I am not referring to children simply being children. Of course, children will make noise, argue, test boundaries, and make mistakes. That is all part of growing up. What I am referring to is when we begin to act as though our children can do no wrong. When we avoid holding them accountable because we do not want to upset them or embarrass them. While we should never shame our children, we also should not allow them to believe they are beyond making mistakes.
As parents, one of our key responsibilities, especially as Muslims, is tarbiyyah, nurturing and cultivating our children’s character. This includes teaching them that mistakes are part of life and, more importantly, teaching them how to respond when they make those mistakes.
For example, if my child is playing with others and I do not witness what has happened, I cannot automatically take my child’s side. If there is a disagreement and none of the children are able to clearly explain or take responsibility, then I have to be honest and say that I cannot make a fair judgement because I was not there. This in itself is an important lesson. In Islam, justice is not based on assumptions or blind loyalty. Our children need to understand from a young age that truth and fairness matter more than simply being defended.
Today it may be a small disagreement between children, but tomorrow it could be something more serious. If a child grows up believing that they will always be defended regardless of their actions, how will they respond when they are eventually held accountable? Will it come as a shock to them? Will they struggle to accept responsibility when it truly matters?
Even when we feel that we “know” our children, or we believe they are not usually the ones causing trouble, we must remember that every child is still a child. Within reason, and as long as it is age appropriate, it is completely normal for children to argue, to fall out, and even to lie at times. If we place too much pressure on them to be perfect, or if we internalise their behaviour as a direct reflection of our parenting, we risk creating an environment where they feel they cannot be honest. This can lead to them hiding things, or even rebelling as they grow older under the weight of unrealistic expectations.
It is very easy to look at other children and notice their faults, while overlooking the areas where our own children may need guidance. These “parent goggles” can prevent us from being fair and balanced.
As Muslims, we are entrusted with a responsibility that goes beyond simply raising happy children. We are raising future adults who will interact with others, build families, and contribute to society. We must teach them accountability, empathy, and justice. We must show them that it is possible to be loving and kind, while still setting clear boundaries. We must teach them to be mindful of others, to respect those around them, and to understand that their actions have consequences, all without taking away the joy and innocence of childhood.
Being part of a community, a “tribe”, requires trust. It requires us to allow children to navigate certain situations themselves, without immediately labelling other children as “naughty” or placing blame when we have not seen what has happened. It also requires us to be fair when our own children are involved.
I have, at times, witnessed situations where parents are quick to point out when their child has been wronged, highlighting the behaviour of others, yet when their own child is the one who has caused upset, it is brushed aside with phrases like “they are just kids”. But are the other children not also “just kids”? Do they not also deserve to feel heard, supported, and treated with fairness?
In Islam, justice is a core principle. We are taught to stand firmly for justice, even if it is against ourselves or those we love. This is not always easy, especially when it comes to our children, but it is part of the amanah, the trust, that we carry as parents. True tarbiyyah is not just about protecting our children, but about shaping them into individuals who are fair, accountable, and compassionate towards others.
I also recognise that every parent has their own way of teaching their children and instilling these values, and not everyone feels comfortable addressing things openly, especially if it may lead to embarrassment. That is completely valid. However, perhaps we can all try to approach these situations with a little more understanding and kindness towards one another. In protecting our own children, we should be mindful not to unintentionally make other children or their families feel as though they are always the problem. There is a way to guide, correct, and teach our children with dignity, without shaming them, while still being fair to those around us.
None of us are perfect. We all have areas we need to improve on, and often we may not openly admit them. However, our actions and reactions in these everyday situations reveal more than we realise. May Allah guide us to raise our children with balance, with wisdom, and with justice, and allow us to build communities rooted in mutual respect, understanding, and sincerity.
With love,
Kam